It happened.
On a grey November afternoon, holding hand in hand, strolling the street on our way to have a baby put in me through science and money. Just like in the movies. And surprise- it worked! We were truly given a gift after 3 years, a baby girl, who in turn we named Ivy F. (JK but I did push hard for it so she'd have great stories for her therapist) I would also like to say that all your infertility sadness and suspicions are true- there is this magical club of parenthood that I and many other people were missing out on. I used to see my parents with my brothers kids and have resentment that I couldn't provide that kind of happiness. Well F&*@ I was definitely right, I am only the provider, deliverer and caretaker of precious baby for our parents now. I can't help but think about how I could have never had this because of this secret club. How I used to walk the grocery store and not a single person would look at me, but now I have them following me to just catch a glimpse of what's in the stroller. And I think that's not fair to any of us. But that's life now. A life in which i thought i could go directly from infertility ---->pregnant-----> mom Nope. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. (except that last part, I do collect, thank you EI!) This is more accurate now: infertility --->pregnant from fertility treatments ---> experienced infertile mom These small changes have a big impact on how you view everything. Right from the beginning I was terrified to say anything, because it's always too good to be true. Once we could announce it, we didn't. I had been dreaming for 3 years for an announcement, and I just couldn't. Seeing every holiday people announce I never wanted anyone else to feel the way I did. People asking if we were going to have more than one was a loaded question. When would I find childcare so I could do treatments, how much do we need to save up to do it again, we only have 3 left, what if they all fail, etc. I don't want to say the previous 3 years have robbed me of moments in the present, but they have changed the landscape of my view of being a parent. Most of the time I want to rip my heart out and give pieces of it to those suffering the same around me. I think we all pay a cover charge when our world transforms as such. Maybe it's losing a parent and seeing others make their parents happy or maybe it's having your rainbow baby but thinking about those before. So though I was welcomed to the club, like most of us, there was a cover charge, I just didn't know what it would be yet.
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October 2018
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