Now I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I have a pretty amazing gift I've been blessed with. I try to stay humble about it, but it's hard to when it's just so consistent, and I can almost 100% guarantee its effectiveness each time I use it.
I can magically ruin any great moment with one single thought: "But remember that you don't have any kids!".
I know what you're thinking, "That's impossible- EVERY moment you can ruin?"
And yes that's right EVERY AND ANY. It's literally magic that it happens every time, and can completely change my attitude, my day and even my week sometimes in to something completely different.
Infertility has allowed me to carefully hone my abilities to have thoughts I didn't even know I had within me. These thoughts will enter any situation to just add the cherry on top to what are typical things I thought I enjoyed.
Enjoying dinner & date night with my partner: "Remember it's only two of you"
Backpacking through the woods: " You can only do this because you're barren inside"
Having special bedroom time: " Keep trying, we all know you'll be crying over a plastic stick in 2 weeks"
Playing with my doggos: "These dogs will probably be dead before they see your kids"
Having my morning constitutional: " Take your time, you have lots of it, except at infertility; tick tock."
I'm sure you get the point by now. (I'd hate to give away too much about my trick and be banned from the league of unworkable ovaries.) It’s no magicians secret to those reading that infertility takes a toll on your capacity to enjoy any and all things sometimes. We are constantly reminded of things around us that could be enhanced by where we feel we should be in life right now. And not just the stuff we see as “fun”. I find myself occasionally wishing I was tired from staying up all night, or not having showered for 7 days, or overall just being part of the experience of being a parent.
This incredible blessing of a gift does also have a silver lining.
Being open about my infertile illusionist abilities (I’m calling it inferllusions, but hasn't caught yet) and talking about them has been hard, but rewarding.
When I talk about how having a baby is a lot of science of hormones, and showing pictures of injections, some people have a more open mind.
When I explain nicely about how saying "just take a break" can really hurt those going through this, people think twice about how best to support those around them.
When parents see me enjoying being around their kids, I know they will hug their kids a little tighter that night.
And I think that's pretty magical.
Why write something about myself when I can give testimonials!