As I've wrapped up my first round of IVF (woo-hoo) I've taken some time travelling back home to think about how this whirlwind happened so fast and so slow at the same time. The moment they finished the retrieval it was like a 1000 bricks, or 17 fluid filled sacs was removed off my shoulders (equal in weight).
I felt lighter than ever, and I also felt like I could say a lot of horrible things I had been thinking in my mind, and realized that I told so many lies over the past 2 years.
I want to do IVF
Looking back I don't think I actually ever said these words. I've said variations of "We're doing IVF, IVF is the next step, IVF is the only hope of a baby" but never turned to a doctor or loved one and say "I want to do IVF". And in turn, no one asked me if I wanted to. The Doctors would get the results, and say the next step is this direction, and I agreed. And don't get me wrong- I don't think any woman/couple WANTS to do IVF, and the fact we had the option I am forever grateful for, but the pressure we put on ourself that we feel from society to do whatever we can to have a baby very much so pushed me to IVF. It felt at times that if I don't do everything within my power to have a baby, than we're not worthy. Ironic that up until a certain age you should be doing whatever you can to not have a baby, then flip the switch and emptying your bank account to have a baby.
Other than my partner, I don't think I told anyone how scared I was of all of this. We planned on only doing one round of IVF then figuring it out from there depending on results. I was scared of it all, almost every second of it. From the week of anxiety before my first shot, to then doing 3 a day, the first appointment, getting blood drawn on bruises over and over, and finally the overarching fear of the retrieval. And those are only the physical ones. The fear that it wouldn't work, or that I would doing something wrong to not make this happen, and to the fact that every day I wonder if the place where they store our blastocysts has proper emergency procedures if there were a fire or power outage. If I were to do it again, I would tell myself to be scared and embrace it, because my telling myself for 2 months not to be scared, did not work.
Maybe I'm not fit to be a mother
Looking back I should have said this out loud to myself to realize how ridiculous it really does sound. But I didn't. And I kept it inside. Some days I felt as though it was a sign to cut my losses and move on to my next chapter. I would recount the times I spent with children. We didn't have a large family, all our cousins are the same age, so there was never that opportunity to spend time with babies ( though I'm sure I could raise any animal wonderfully). I just changed my nephew's diaper for the first time last year! These run through my head and all of the other reasons it's not happening, because it's not meant to be.
And thats a lie.
We're all worthy. We are. We are fighting a big fight, and you may not feel like you're worthy, and that's fine. Because today this woman on the other side of these words will feel worthy for you until you can.
Why write something about myself when I can give testimonials!